“I’ve come to believe that judgement is one of the greatest forms of clutter we carry.”
Lately, I’ve become compelled to examine one thing: how relentlessly my mind judges everything.
And I mean everything.
Over the years, I’ve led a three-week adventure in my Facebook group called the No Bitching Challenge, where we commit to 21 days of no complaining, criticizing, or gossiping.
Gulp.
I created the challenge because I became aware of the toxicity that sometimes crept into my words, especially with the people I love most: my husband and my son.
I wanted to change how I showed up in those relationships. I wanted (still do) to be a safe person in the world, authentically sharing what I have to say, yes, even expressing anger when it’s called for, but doing so in a way that adds Life Force and clarity rather than drips with judgement, disdain, sarcasm, or cruelty.
That journey has become something of a rabbit hole, leading me deeper into all the ways I resist fully accepting and expressing myself in this lifetime.
And guess what?
It all starts with judgement.
Our brains are built to categorize.
Good.
Bad.
Safe.
Dangerous.
There are sound evolutionary reasons for that. Our ancestors depended on belonging to the tribe, and being rejected could mean death. We are wired to assess, categorize, and protect ourselves.
The bible story of Adam and Eve captures this beautifully. Once they began seeing the world through the lens of good and evil, innocence disappeared. Joyful living gave way to self-consciousness, fear, and endless evaluation.
At some point in our evolution, we developed the ability to observe ourselves, and with that came a constant layer of assessment.
As a transformation coach, you might think I’d have this all figured out.
I can honestly say I’ve come a long way.
A loooooooooong way.
I shudder when I remember how much of my life was lived under the shadow of judgement, judging others, but especially judging myself as I absorbed messages of “too much,” “not enough,” and countless other limiting beliefs.
Over the past year, I’ve been mentored by Rev. Dr. Michelle Wadleigh, an expert in forgiveness and shadow work, and I’m training as a coach in her programs.
I can’t get enough.
The work is a deep excavation of both the conscious and unconscious mind, uncovering treasures to keep and old debris that’s finally ready to be released.
As we gently explore the places within us that long for healing and forgiveness, something becomes very clear.
Our deepest judgements, many of them completely unconscious, quietly drive our suffering.
They influence our reactions, create painful relationships, and keep us showing up in ways that don’t reflect who we truly want to be.
In all of Michelle’s training, the number one required practice is beautifully simple.
Stop judging.
- Just stop.
- Breathe.
- Look.
- Listen.
- Reflect.
In her Forgiveness: A Workbook for Emotional and Spiritual Freedom, she lays out a 28-day Non-Judgement exercise that’s similar to my No Bitching Challenge but goes even deeper as she calls out all the ways we judge, topic by topic.
Clearly, this is a lifelong adventure.
Some days it’s humbling.
Some days it’s uncomfortable.
And it’s clarifying as f%ck.
The thoughts themselves aren’t the problem. Believing them is.”
Michelle often says that tracking your judgements is one of the fastest paths to healing. After all, if we have someone to forgive, there’s a pretty good chance we first judged that person, or their behavior, as wrong.
(For the purposes of this article, I’m talking about hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and everyday human interactions, not abuse or criminal behavior, which deserve a much more nuanced and compassionate conversation.)
As I’ve practiced this, I’ve become aware of the familiar judgements that quietly run through my mind, and sometimes spill onto others.
Words like:
- Too much
- Not enough
- Lazy
- Disorganized
- Messy
- Incompetent
- Unkind
- Selfish
- Flaky
- Unreliable
The list goes on.
Then there’s comparison, one of the most painful habits we humans have.
The moment I begin comparing myself to others, I notice myself slipping toward either shame or grandiosity.
Suddenly I’m measuring whether I’m ahead or behind… happier or less happy… more or less successful… more or less creative… more or less spiritual. No one wins.
The list goes on.
Sometimes it’s uncomfortable to admit these thoughts still exist.
But here’s what’s changing. Those thoughts don’t have nearly the power they once did.
Not because they’ve disappeared, but because I understand where they came from. They’re inherited habits of mind, not objective truth.
And perhaps most importantly, I’ve stopped judging myself for having judgements.
Healthy discernment is not the same thing as judgement.
Discernment helps us make wise choices.
Judgement condemns.
I now see these thoughts as deeply practiced mental habits, formed through years of repetition and habits can be changed.
They can be gently weeded out through awareness, kind discipline, gentle refocusing, and an attitude of curiosity.
When I catch myself slipping into judgement, I return to greater truths:
- I am doing the best I can, and I am exactly where I need to be. My path is uniquely mine.
- I don’t need to know everything. I’m learning and growing every day.
- I am a Child of the Divine, and so is everyone else. We each have our own purpose, our own timing, and our own lessons.
- Everyone is carrying burdens I know nothing about. I can choose curiosity instead of assumption, and kindness instead of criticism.
And perhaps my favorite practice of all…
When I notice myself judging a person, a situation, or even myself, I quietly remind myself:
It’s not good.
It’s not bad.
It just is.
From that place, something unexpected becomes possible. I can choose my next thought instead of automatically believing the last one. Perhaps that’s where freedom begins.
“Every judgement we release clears another corner of the heart.”
I’ve come to believe that judgement is one of the greatest forms of clutter we carry.
It fills our hearts with stories that leave little room for love, creativity, compassion, curiosity, or peace.
Perhaps that’s why The Uncluttered Heart continues to evolve. What began as a workshop has been asking to become something deeper, a longer journey where we have the time and space to gently uncover the beliefs, judgements, and old stories that keep us from living as our most authentic selves.
This fall, I’ll be opening the doors to The Uncluttered Heart, an eight-week journey where we’ll explore many of the practices that naturally flow from this conversation. Together, we’ll learn to recognize judgement without believing it, loosen the grip of limiting beliefs, cultivate forgiveness, and create more room for the creative Life Force that is always seeking expression through us.
If something in these words resonates with you, perhaps your own heart is asking for a little more room to breathe.
I’d be honoured to walk that journey with you.
Because every judgement we release clears another corner of the heart, until one day we discover there was room for Love all along.